Sunday, January 23, 2005

Last night I received very sad news from my Aunt Joan.  I hung up the phone and thought about what she said.  I went downstairs to tell Sam, but he was asleep.  I called my sister, Chris, but she was asleep, so I spoke to my brother-in-law for a while.  I wrote an entry...then changed my mind and cancelled it

Sometimes it is easy to sort things out, to seek, to understand.  But try as I may, I cannot understand this.  Yesterday morning, my Uncle Eddie, shot himself.  Recently diagnosed with cancer, he told only his wife, then ended his life.  Twenty years ago, his son hung himself.  Eighteen years ago, his daughter died from a drug overdose.  This is my mother's family.  This is my family.

Is it a weakness or strength that enables a person to put a gun to his head, or a rope around his neck, and then make that last move?

The news didn't hit me until about an hour ago.  I was going to comment in a friend's journal about the Bible and Rolling Stone but needed my glasses.  My reading glasses were downstairs on my nightstand.  I walked down to get them, picked them up and it hit me.

I've never been close to Uncle Ed, or his children.  My memories of him are scattered and faint.  What I know of him is through my mother's childhood stories, and my Aunt Joan.  There were times he just disappeared for years, no one knew where he was, or when he'd be back.  Or why he left.  Eddie was always something of an enigma, the black sheep of the family.

Edward Lewis (9/11/1938 - 1/22/2005)

This is not the way to start a new year.  The last time a new year started this way was 1997, the year I turned 40.  It started with my maternal grandmother's funeral in January and ended with my father's funeral in December.

However, in every cloud there is a silver-lining and unlike 1997, this year is different because I now have positive influences in my life, providing needed balance.  For that, I am eternally grateful.  

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear you got such bad news. Seeing how I have suffered from severe depression I can understand how someone can take their life. Until you have been in that spot with the loaded gun or sharp razor it is very hard to comprehend.  I never think someone is weak for taking their own life, I think they are so far gone in their mind they can only see a way to stop the pain. They don't take into consideration how it will effect others around them. They just want it to all go away. Your family is in my thoughts Dona and I will pray for better days ahead.

Anonymous said...

I know at this moment no words that I write will help you heal your pain. But just know that you are in my prayers as well as my thoughts. I've known people that cut themselves just to see if that pain is creater than the one they feel, see if the pain from the cut will subside the pain in their hearts.... but I guess thats just their way of freeing themselves. The reason why someone would kill themselves is still unclear to me, becuase life is a precious thing that God has given to us. On those days that I get depress I have wished to die over and over again but now that i think about it, I doubt I ever truely meant it.  I hope the best for your family.

Anonymous said...

I often wonder how I will feel when my uncles die.  They live in the same town - less than 5 miles away, yet my mother has not seen her brothers in more years then I can count.  It saddens me that I do not know them.  Like you I wonder if I knew them better if it would tell me more about myself.  It all seems so strange, this thing we call life.

Anonymous said...

I honestly do not know what to say other than I am truely sorry for your loss. You know I have experienced death in my family but those that died didnt kill themselves. I also do not know the reason why anyone would take their life away, although I have wished many times that I wanted to die, the thought of leaving my family in pain for the rest of their lives has made me see that thats not the way out. Wow...I am sitting here thinking of what I can say that would make you feel better but there are no words that can do that. I just want to say that if u need anything Geraldine, and I, and all of your other friends will be here to support you. Please keep us posted and let us know if you need anything. At times like this I think friends are very important. =] I hope the best for you and your family.
                         Love,
                                            Gaye