I Feel Fine

Things are getting better. 

I knew there was a lesson in everything that happened the past two days.  This morning I realized that I need an outlet to release the stress.  I have worked myself into a position of intense responsibility and with that responsibility, comes stress.  The stress is not going to go away, and I need to find a more effective way to deal with it.  Coming home at night and sitting in front of the tv is not working for me...it works for Sam, but not me.  Even the occasional glass of wine is not the solution.  I need to channel all that energy in a positive way, or I will explode. Thank you Gaye...your yoga idea brought needed clarity.  So, this morning I started a membership at a local athletic club.  It's a full-service club, with spinning, aerobics, everything...including a pool (YEAH!).  And for opening my account, I got a coupon for a massage; I am definitely using that...soon.  I have never had a massage.  Should be a real treat.   Yeah, that's the ticket...pamper myself.  More bubble baths, more manicures, more fresh flowers.  I need more softness and beauty in my life.

I guess it all boils down to this...one of my many faults was staring me in the face, and I just didn't see it.  Fact is, I don't do enough for myself; hell, I rarely do anything for myself.  For what ever reason, I am always doing something for someone else, always thinking of some one else's needs, always helping some one else with their problem.  But I don't ask for anything, and I don't expect anything in return.  I give, unconditionally.  That has been going on for a very, very, very long time.  As a result, my emotional bank account ran dry while I was still writing checks (it's the accountant in me, and this analogy really says it all).  And, I'm not honest with myself.  I tell people I'm fine, when I'm really not.

   

So, I decided enough is enough. Things are going to change right now.  One step at a time, one day at a time.  No more masks, no more facades, no more minimizing my feelings for the sake of another person's.  For me it is a question of seeking the right balance...the balance between my feminine instinct to nurture and this driving passion I have to always be the best I can be.  To always please.   I can no longer neglect my self (see Robin...I'm great at giving advice to others, but I don't even listen to my self).  You just helped me see one of my other problems.  I need to take my own advice. 

I now have an assistant to help me at work.  I've needed one for at least five years, but budgetary concerns prevented me from taking action.  My boss, on the other hand, told me not to worry about the budget.  "We will make it work," she said, "because you need the help."  Can't argue with that kind of logic, or support.  It will take some time to train him, but he's already proven he is up to the task.  What a relief.

Oh man!  Whew...that felt GREAT!