In retrospect...

A handful of days lie between today and the beginning of my 49th year.


49 years.  In that time I have ventured beyond my own expectations, waited for moments that never came, and held on to life while letting go of dreams.  I have seen and felt heartbreak cut so deep the open wound never healed.  I have tasted the salt of tears so sweet I floated with hope and yet so bitter I swore I'd never shed another.


I have learned so much from so many is it any wonder I feel the compelling need to dive heart-first into the depths of reflection?  Many gifts have found their way into my life, some fleeting, so fragile they crumbled into dust and blew away, while others weighed in with strength so solid they stand the test of these passing years. 

49 years.  I have outlived my mother by 8 years and it has been 28 years since her voice last filled my ears; even more years since I felt her reassuring arms supporting me.  Still her words ring loud and true through time; I hear the words today, just as I heard them all those days not so long ago; days when I didn't believe them and yet, in this time and place I feel the meaning resonate within my heart and soul.


I have received many gifts in my life.  Gifts of wisdom...of truth...of life.

From my mother...

I learned to believe in angels, and demons.  She told me life is never a bowl of cherries served just for me on a silver platter.  If I was going to make it in this life I had to be my own best friend; no one will ever know me better than I do, nor will they care about me as much as I care about myself.  I am number 1, I must always take care of number 1.  I can still see the iron resolve magnify in her steel blue eyes during those times.   There were days when, after a difficult shift at work, Mom warned me there is an asshole in every crowd and no matter where I went, I would always have to deal with one.  Whining about such things did no good, she insisted I find ways to cope with, and deal with that person.  I knew what she meant and I knew what coping skills were as I had acquired them early in life, long before my first day at kindergarten.  From my mother I learned about love, family love.  Friends will come and go, but family is always there in your life.  And then one morning I woke up and she was gone.  From mother, I and my sisters learned it is possible for a person to die from a broken heart. 

From my step-father...

I learned blood is thicker than water.  Every man has a weakness and for some it is alcohol.  Wisdom and intelligence are not the same thing.

From my older sister...

I learned how to stand up for myself.

From my younger sisters...

I learned the gift of love can brighten even the darkest days.

From my ex-husband and his mother...

I learned love from a wallet is not love at all, but for many people it is the only kind of love they know.

From my father...

I learned the meaning of a father's devotion, and faith.  Happiness comes from within and can not be measured by or for another person.

From the 'Great White Hope'...

I learned no man has the right to bind me in chains (the 'Great White Hope' is a cynical moniker I use for a very bad person I left many years ago).

From numerous co-workers and bosses...

I learned self-worth is not measured by dollars, but by sense.

From Sam...

I learned love is enriched and empowered by overcoming trials, together.

From other family members...

I learned unconditional love is given...without measure or any expectation.



It's been an unusual week, some things unfolded on Monday, and then on Wednesday.  Things I need to sort out; work place stuff.

The photo of the clouds I took outside my office Monday morning, the other photos in this entry are from my backyard.  Sometimes it is my escape and a peaceful retreat.  Right now it is wearing the signs of neglect and is quite overgrown.  Spring has definitely sprung...and SPRUNG...and SPRUNG.

"I used to think that being nice to people and feeling nice, was loving people....

Now I know it isn't.

Love is the most immense unselfishness and it is so big, I've never touched it."


~ Florence Allshom