Something isn't right.
I can't explain it, can't put my finger on it, but lately I feel swallowed up by this foreboding sense of doom. I can't shake it and I don't understand it. I just want it to go away...disappear. I hate what this is doing to me. It keeps me up at night, at least two night a week. I'm constantly worried about what the day will bring and how it will unfold. I seek to calm myself and tell the worrisome demons in my mind to leave. Even now as I write this my body shakes. But I'm not cold.
Anxiety is no friend of mine and I have never sought to keep company with it. I've never experienced panic attacks, yet there are moments when I feel I cannot breathe. But I do breathe. I command myself to take deep, full breaths and as I exhale I expell the negative with each release of air. My will is stronger than whatever it is that haunts me and I refuse to be pulled down or drained by this feeling. That is what I tell myself.
This is not me.
I try to rationalize it all in my mind. Maybe I'm just on sensory overload, what with all the tragedy going on these past few months. But I was talking to a friend of mine at work, and she admitted feeling the same way. I hadn't mentioned these thoughts to her at all and as I listened I was struck by the similarities. We both feel something was hanging around us, like something terrible is going to happen in our world. Something will change. All week the office has been busy, yet as we took the time to share our concerns, the phones were silent, the front door remained closed. We were given time to share this with one another.
I don't know what to make of it all. But whenever I've had a worrisome thought, I always stop myself and say, "I release that fear to spirit. I don't want it, I don't need it. It doesn't belong to me." I have learned not to draw negative energy to myself, that it is better to release it and let the universe deal with it. And so I release these feelings out to the universe, sending them far away from here. Yet still they linger. So I busy myself with chores, tasks and projects, hopeful this work will keep my mind preoccupied enough to distract me from the thoughts; and it works. All is well for a while, but then my mind wanders back to those thoughts and I find myself caught in this struggle again.
I want it to stop. I release these fears to the universe, and I draw in the white light of love and hope. All is well, now and always. This is what I must believe. Stop the shaking, stop the thoughts. Outside the sun is in the sky, shining. The skies are blue. Hold that thought. All is well. Hold that thought.