Sunday, October 23, 2005

Something in the air...

Something isn't right.

I can't explain it, can't put my finger on it, but lately I feel swallowed up by this foreboding sense of doom.  I can't shake it and I don't understand it.  I just want it to go away...disappear.  I hate what this is doing to me.  It keeps me up at night, at least two night a week.  I'm constantly worried about what the day will bring and how it will unfold.  I seek to calm myself and tell the worrisome demons in my mind to leave.  Even now as I write this my body shakes.  But I'm not cold.

Anxiety is no friend of mine and I have never sought to keep company with it.  I've never experienced panic attacks, yet there are moments when I feel I cannot breathe.  But I do breathe.  I command myself to take deep, full breaths and as I exhale I expell the negative with each release of air.  My will is stronger than whatever it is that haunts me and I refuse to be pulled down or drained by this feeling.  That is what I tell myself. 

This is not me.

I try to rationalize it all in my mind.  Maybe I'm just on sensory overload, what with all the tragedy going on these past few months.  But I was talking to a friend of mine at work, and she admitted feeling the same way.  I hadn't mentioned these thoughts to her at all and as I listened I was struck by the similarities.  We both feel something was hanging around us, like something terrible is going to happen in our world.   Something will change.  All week the office has been busy, yet as we took the time to share our concerns, the phones were silent, the front door remained closed.  We were given time to share this with one another.

I don't know what to make of it all.  But whenever I've had a worrisome thought, I always stop myself and say, "I release that fear to spirit.  I don't want it, I don't need it.  It doesn't belong to me."  I have learned not to draw negative energy to myself, that it is better to release it and let the universe deal with it.  And so I release these feelings out to the universe, sending them far away from here.  Yet still they linger.  So I busy myself with chores, tasks and projects, hopeful this work will keep my mind preoccupied enough to distract me from the thoughts; and it works.  All is well for a while, but then my mind wanders back to those thoughts and I find myself caught in this struggle again.

I want it to stop.  I release these fears to the universe, and I draw in the white light of love and hope.   All is well, now and always.  This is what I must believe.  Stop the shaking, stop the thoughts.  Outside the sun is in the sky, shining.  The skies are blue.  Hold that thought.  All is well.  Hold that thought.

8 comments:

labdancer51 said...

Panic attacks are horrible things that I am no stranger to.  I go a long time without one and then they just rear their ugly heads again.  I realise that as I get older they grow less, though I still have plenty of reasons to be anxious.  Why not speak to your doctor Dona, I`m sure he/she can help.

(((((hugs)))))

Sandra xxxx

redpoppy007 said...

It sounds like generalized anxiety disorder.  It is no wonder we all don't have it with all that is going on in the world.

gaboatman said...

Dona
I wish I could say the magic words to make these feelings go away for you, but your cure seems like it will be far more fruitful than any cure I have to offer.  Good luck shaking this.  By the way, thanks for the nice comment in my journal.  My alerts are acting up, so I apologize for not getting back to you right away.  It's strange, some comment alerts come through okay, but at least a third don't show up at all.  AOL gremlins, I'm sure.
Sam

ajquinn354 said...

Dona,
Take it one day at a time; we all have so much going on in our lives and the world situations that we all need to take a few minutes to just relax over a good cup of tea and let whatever is bothering us be released.  It does sound like you are having anxiety attacks, if they keep up give your Doctor a call.  Hang in there....AJ

pixiedustnme said...

It is frustrating when you can't define that cloud that is hovering over you, keeping you pinned in the unknown.  I hope that you can push through to the other side and discover the sun.  You'll be in my thoughts, as always.

karebear4x4 said...

Would a day in the mountains help?   if not the mtns,  somewhere peaceful, serene and breathless...hope things are better soon!~kbear

inmyownwld said...

wow....it sounds like me....awful feeling...I hate it...

kokoapuffy1 said...

It's got to be that time of year...had the same symtoms. Keeping busy helps me, during the day its fine. At night its a different story, so I crochet while watching a movie. Tonight its Grumpy Old Men.  Take care.     ~Deborah